There really isn’t much of an explanation to go here… I have been neglectful of doing many things on paper recently, or really much of anything other than another pet project… so… trying to get back into the swing of things.
A quick sketch of a random girl… I think she’s a wanderer… never really belonging to one place in particular… or one person. Destined to roam… until she finds that one place that is truly hers to own.
This girl came to me whilst randomly sketching today… watching a friend of mine work on some landscaping, listening to miss Oprah herself needing to be slowly stepped through how to tie a scarf…
This particular image is just a tiny one – about an inch square, drawn in the bottom right hand corner of a page also showcasing several young ladies, an antique frame, some random swirls and a few little piglets with aerial aspirations…
I find it funny, or perhaps just more interesting that she still ‘works’ for me, even blown up so big compared to the original size of the sketch. As you can tell, also, she isn’t all there… Lord help me, but I just couldn’t bear to add another stroke of my pen – she’s just perfect as she is, in her own little way.
I must admit, I am curious as to whether something working up large when it started out small is a sign of something good. I know, for example, that there are some ‘small’ things that, if shown up large, just wouldn’t, or couldn’t work. When small, they work, when large, they lose something – not just a little something, either. The same goes in reverse – a Pollock just doesn’t have the same effect as a 600×400 image in an internet browser as it does in its huge and incredible form in a national gallery. Does this make it any less of a work because it loses some of its power at a different size? Or does that actually make it all the better, because in the original form… it is much more powerful? That much more special, because it is the way it is, and would lose what it has if presented in any other way?
Random Asian candy is a delight if you have an experimental streak – you are as likely to end up with something that tastes absolutely horrendous as you are to get something simply exquisite. This little snippet is bought to you by the bag of random Asian candy that is currently sitting beside me that I have -no- guilt consuming whatsoever.
But anyhow onto my musings for the evening…
What is it that compels us to do things that are not good for us? To gorge ourselves at a buffet because ‘you paid for it’ or overindulge at an open bar because ‘somebody else is paying for it’? What is it that makes us reach for that slice of cake over that shiny green apple when the offer is made?
Short term satisfaction is a funny thing – the immediate pay-off often seems worth it, but in so many cases even that doesn’t even turn out as nicely as we imagine. Think of the serial dieter that feels a constant guilt as they bite into that chocolate bar they had hidden in the bottom of their drawer after promising that the last one was ‘the very last one’… or perhaps the potential adultress who surrenders to lust at the expense of a loved one. Even though it seems good at the time, the guilt or ‘wrongness’ of the situation is sometimes enough to have dulled the pleasure that the moment may have potentially brought had it been done under different circumstances. Not to mention any feelings we have after the fact, regretting these decisions we make. We know they are wrong… so why do we do it?
We voluntarily do things to hurt ourselves every day. Not just the big things, but the little things too. Skipping breakfast, saying yes to someone even though we really want to say no, sitting in front of the tv rather than going for a walk… so many little things that we know we should be doing, but don’t, or that we shouldn’t be doing, but do anyway. What is that perfect balance between immediate pay-off and long-term benefit? At what point does a drug addict go ‘you know… it just isn’t worth it any more’?
Believe it or not, I am enjoying my random bag of candy, free to pick and choose to be thrilled or disappointed with each little package of sugar-filled treat – even the ones that taste horrible make me feel all the much better for having at least tried something new. It inspired me to do my drawing, but it is not the reason for the musing – the picture came first, the musing started during, and the culmination of those thoughts only after.
Rasputin was fed cake which was thought to have been laced with arsenic but survived to tell the tale of its eating. Some short-term pay-offs just aren’t worth the risk… even for the most appetizing, sweetest, most delicious-looking cake in all the world. Perhaps my mother was right… you shouldn’t take candy from a stranger. Or for that matter, cake from someone who has a private store of arsenic and holds a grudge.
Untameable… that is the title for this one. Though how honestly true it is, who is to know? This pretty kitty likes to make it look as if she’s all tough and independant… but is she really as wild as she likes to make out? Methinks perhaps not.
A cat learns to protect herself with a tough exterior if she’s had to go it alone… to admit that you need something is to show vulnerability, and vulnerability isn’t something often rewarded in a world that would turn those weaknesses against you. It sometimes takes a bit for that public illusion to crack, even to the people that really matter… even though that wild cat might be incredibly grateful to be a house pet, finally having a food dish in the corner, a basket to curl up in, and a place to call her very own in from the cold.
Its easier sometimes to put on a front to make yourself seem invulnerable than to admit you might actually want something you desire… Especially when experience has taught that the little constant pain of denying yourself something you need is often more bearable than having those desires twisted by someone and used against you, even in the smallest of ways. A house cat isn’t just admitting her vulnerablity, her need for a home and someone to purr for to her new owner… she is admitting it to the world. She isn’t just breaking a barrier between one person and herself – she is leaving herself exposed and vulnerable to all.
So… Untameable…
Perhaps it isn’t a matter of being tamed at all, but simply a question of giving one the time and understanding required to let a cat who has often had to walk alone be comfortable enough to actually be herself, to trust where so many have broken that trust before. Trying to seem strong, to seem as if one is just fine all by herself is a hard habit to break – especially when one can only feel fear that the person that matters most to them, who has only ever really viewed the invulnerable outer exterior when it pertains to them, may not like the soft, squishy centre that’s really inside.
Perhaps everyone has a touch of the wild cat inside of them… the need for a tough exterior, even in the face of those that we love, that we are most vulnerable to – those that have the ability to bring both the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain… to whom even the hint of the words ‘I’m disappointed’ hurts down to the very core…
How often do we say ‘I’m fine’ even when we aren’t, smile to mask that we are in pain, or accept a task as it stands, struggling at it until it can be accomplished alone, rather than admit that we might need help and guidance to see us through? We all have fears that we are not ‘good enough’… it just feels easier sometimes to think that of yourself and hope that you are wrong than to ever get it confirmed by those around you.
For some it is ingrained deeper than in others – a touch of the wild, that wishes only to be ‘tamed’ – a hope to find that perfect someone to whom we can trust completely, to strip away the exterior only to find that they still like the vulnerable and often flawed person they find inside… that perfect someone who will treasure them always for the person they really are and forever be that barrier between their own little cat and those that would take advantage of her, of the fact that she really does have wants and needs and desires… just like everybody else.
Ok, so that was really far too long an explanation for this silly little sketch. But hey, it is late at night, and when the brain starts ticking with a thought… it likes to follow it through.
My first post of this magnificent blog. Who ever thought that I would take this step? I never thought I would. However, there is no time like the present to move along with things and show the world what I do, even if it is silly little sketches in a lecture notebook.
I meant to wait to do this, until I had mastered doing my own themes for WordPress. Or perhaps I was more waiting for that perfect moment when I had a good body of work behind me: things that I could be proud of showing off to the world in a portfolio that was comprehensive and impressive. Instead, I’m going with the ‘no time like the present’ mentality and just getting on with it. Even if no-one ever peeks into this blog, at least it is something that might get me consistantly creating, even on those silly days when I hardly pick up a pen.
So… the very first piece is the one pictured above. Ballpoint pen, lined lecture note-pad and little more than a line of text from a digital story script – my little triumphant warrior was born. Mayhaps he was not the one to slaughter these impressive foes that lay beneath him, but he will certainly take the credit for the feat… so long as there is no-one else more worthy of the claim around to dispute it.